Clarification, it is something that we all deem as a need, something to be clarified it drives us to get the most information as possible so that we may understand what we deem feasible. Like a lottery ticket, or a zip code. As a man this has driven me crazy. I say this because it has driven me to be over analytical in my relationships with people, but more importantly Christ. This in turn has set me up for disappointment. I’d spend time wondering what every little thing in my life meant, if it was God speaking to my heart, or guiding me, or asking myself What is the purpose behind X,Y, and Z. A complete tornado of expectation, anxiety….Frustration. For three or four months up until this morning getting clarification controlled me. It lead to a complete depreciation of the man I wanted to be, and had become. This incessant need to KNOW everything led to dire consequences. The consequences of that clarification along with the three mentioned above controlled me. Most of all, I re-remembered to not trust, to be unloving and cynical.
Other than strangling a relationship that at the core of my being I hold in deep regard, the one I have with my girlfriend, the relationship with Christ became number two. My focus, my passion for finding him, seeing his face was at best lukewarm. Yet I believed I was ok because I wasn’t “Sinning”, like the old Dustin. I wasn’t chasing after girls, cheating on my girlfriend, drinking heavily ect…All for the sake that I had to get clarification for things that have been proven to me ten fold, again and again. I became a worse listener to peoples problems, I was cynical of people at church, and I judged them.
Then this morning happened, I argued over such a small small thing, I was arguing because I was blocked on FB for my own good. Yet I was repulsed because I was given no warning, not clarification of why? I shut down. In that moment though it all became clear. My life was backwards, and had been for weeks on end. I had stopped looking for Christ and supplanted that passion and love in a human, a lovely woman mind you, that was all that was important. I had fallen, in to a mad rush of emotion for this young lady, but I lost sight of the one thing that brought us together, Christ.
Christ binds us all, its what gives us the passion to go on, the Hope of a new day, and the love that makes our world and the people we know go round. After a long walk, I had piece my problems together, that the clarification I had been seeking in everything was no clarification at all, just a prodding and checking of my own self belief. If I could trust people, and control the environment around me. The distance between me, my gf, and my best friends from Church wasnt the result of my work schedule, but a result of myself being Lukewarm in the face of Christ, a hypocrite. I wasn’t seeking God, I wasn’t living like Christ, and in doing so I was distancing myself from those who had been true to me. These were the reasons for my struggles in open forum, behind closed doors, with my best friends, and with the Love of my life, which I got wrong as well. Jesus is the focus point above all else and in not seeking Him, I was no longer seeking the heart of a fine woman who had been by my side through it all.
Yes, I found my clarification….. its in Jesus Christ, and in that I have everything I need.
Forgive me if I have not loved you all with the warmth that comes from knowing Jesus. If I have wronged you all, forgive me, for I cannot forgive myself.